According to psychologists, the constant expectation to be strong puts tremendous psychological pressure on men.
In Konkana Sen Sharma’s directorial debut, A Death in the Gunj, family and friends chide 23-year-old Shutu (Vikrant Massey) for being sensitive, and mulling over his father’s death when he should be taking care of his mother. Sharma’s story may be set in the ’70s, but gender roles expected from men remain the same.
Psychologists say this constant pressure to ‘be a man’ leads to stress, anxiety, and repression of feelings, which could cause deeper mental illnesses.
Mard Ko Dard Nahi Hota
“Manliness is wrongly associated with being able to handle any kind of pain,” says Dr Rizwana Nulwala, a counsellor and psychotherapist. Men are expected to be the one everyone leans on when things go wrong. In times of grief, such people minimise the pain men feel. “Typically, people tell him that he will cope. ‘If he becomes weak, who will look after the women?’,” says Nulwala.
Aggression, the more masculine emotion, becomes the socially acceptable way for men to express their feelings. “When someone is constantly reminded of his manliness, that he is supposed to stand up and not show emotion, if internalised he develops an overtly macho attitude,” says consulting psychiatrist Dr Ashit Sheth. “Their ability to show empathy and understand other people’s emotions is impaired.”
Defeat is not considered manly either, which makes it difficult for men to accept failure. This reflects in corporate environments where men tend to become angry or jealous of successful people. “Often, they don’t realise their limitations and stretch themselves leading to a burnout,” says Dr Sheth. “Competitiveness keeps them in the defence and they feel miserable despite their achievements. There’s perpetual frustration about their deficiency.”
Man of the House
It also hinders marital bliss, according to consulting psychiatrist Dr Gaurav Kulkarni, who spends most of his time correcting gender expectations of clients with marital problems. He gives the example of a woman who said she had the perfect husband but felt let down when he was the only man in social situations who cried. “She said she wanted a stronger husband. The concept that expression of emotion has nothing to do with mental strength does not exist,” says Dr Kulkarni.
He speaks of another couple, both working in MNCs, and equal academically, professionally and financially. “The wife was very confident but the husband struggled with anxiety. His performance anxiety was leading to marital troubles to the level of separation. She said I have a ‘pussy’ husband and it’s not acceptable for me,” recalls Dr Kulkarni. “He was pathologically anxious so I had to put him on medication but she needed a separate session on how to deal with his anxiety because she was triggering it further.”
After several similar cases, Dr Kulkarni can’t help but point out the double standards which create a psychological pressure for men. “Women are allowed to express all emotions on the spectrum. They can cry and also be angry and aggressive, thanks to feminism driving that liberty. But the acceptance for men to be sensitive and emotional is not yet present,” he notes.
Men Don’t Cry
Most men hesitate from seeking professional help because it’s not ‘manly’ and they think they can deal with it themselves. But it’s gradually changing. “There was a time when masculinity and aggression was rewarded but it’s not like that any more,” says Dr Sheth. The inability to find an emotional outlet in family and friends, and the compulsion to be strong is leading men to seek therapy. Dr Nulwala speaks of a 50-year-old man who lost his son but was unable to grieve. “He said that the moment he started crying, his wife and children would become unstable. He said my office was the only space he could be vulnerable.”
If psychological distress is not addressed, suppressed emotions could manifest in physical symptoms. “People who are exposed to a traumatic experience but fail to process it, tend to have more coughs, colds, headaches and hyper acidity,” says Dr Nulwala. So, don’t be a ‘man’, and don’t force others to be one either.
[Originally published by DNA India in June 2017]
